Answering My Kid's Questions About Drugs

“Are drugs bad? Yes! Of course. They can kill you. Don’t use them.”

“What’s the difference between drugs and medicine? Well, drugs are bad for your health, while medicine is good for your health.”

“You’re right, we also sometimes call medicine ‘drugs.’ I can see why that’s confusing.”

“Is fentanyl a medicine or a drug? Um, I guess both.”

“Heroin? That is definitely a drug. Stay away. It could kill you.”

“Was heroin invented by a drug dealer? Haha, no. It was actually invented by a big German pharmaceutical company called Bayer. When it came out in 1898 they marketed it as cough medicine. Huge seller for them. Then a year later they put out aspirin. That’s why they’re similarly named — heroIN and aspirIN.”

“Is aspirin safe? Of course, silly. Advil and Tylenol are safe, too.”

“Aren’t NSAIDs hard on your stomach, and isn’t the therapeutic window for Tylenol pathetically small, you say? How do you know these terms? But I guess you’re talking about the safe dosage range, and yeah, if you take too much Tylenol it can be deadly. But you’re only eight, you don’t even know how to open the bottle!”

“Methadone? Yeah, that’s definitely a medicine. It helps people quit heroin.”

“You’re saying that during the early 2000s, methadone was killing more Americans than heroin? Hmmm, yes, I see you’re right about that, but that’s just because doctors were prescribing it wrong. Anyway, we’re losing the point here. Let’s focus on why you shouldn’t take recreational drugs.”

“What are recreational drugs? Drugs people take to escape their problems. No, not like SSRIs. Like, LSD.”

“Um, yeah, I guess some scientists think psychedelics could help with opioid addiction (again, how do you know this?) and there are also indications that ecstasy and magic mushrooms help with PTSD and other types of trauma, but c’mon! You’re in third grade. You don’t have PTSD.”

“You’re saying it sounds like pretty much all recreational drugs started out as medicines? Well, maybe. Probably not. I don’t know. But either way, I am not asking your dentist to apply topical cocaine to fix your cavity.”

“Would I rather you smoke weed or cigarettes? I refuse to answer that question. Don’t smoke anything!”

“Why is drinking socially acceptable when it kills more than 150,000 Americans every year, and wouldn’t weed be safer? I don’t control society. All I know is that psychoactive drugs can disrupt your little brain’s development.”

“What makes something ‘psychoactive’? I guess little smartypants doesn’t know everything, after all! Oh wait, you’re being sarcastic. You’re saying that caffeine and chocolate and even the Sour Flush Candy Plunger With Powder Dip you got for Halloween is psychoactive because it turns you into a crazy person and makes you tear up the house. Fine then, point taken. No Halloween next year! And no more soda, either, for that matter. Water only!”

“Oh, now you’re saying water is dangerous? Ok, good try. I know reductio ad absurdum when I see it. Well sure, I mean, yeah, you can die from drinking too much water. What’s your point?”

“You heard some people in San Francisco snorted lines of powder they thought was cocaine, but was actually LSD, and so they unwittingly took thousands of doses? Ok. Thanks for telling me. They probably lost their minds, right?”

“They spent time in the hospital but ultimately made full recoveries? What’s your point? That LSD is safer than water? I think I heard Mitchell Gomez from DanceSafe say that before. I still don’t think it’s true!”

“Is it possible that perhaps it’s the getting high itself that holds the medicinal and therapeutic value of drugs? And for that reason the distinction between drugs and medicine is purely semantic? Um…”

“Now you’re trying to tell me that humans have likely been using drugs since the dawn of time? I don’t know. I wasn’t alive back then.”

“Isn’t maybe getting high, then, as much an essential part of the human experience as eating, sleeping, religion, and fucking? Maybe so, but you just used the ‘F’ word, so you’re grounded!”

“In fact, go to your room. Daddy’s head hurts. He’s had a long day. He needs to relax.”

“Now, where did he put his medicine?”