Ban the 5K

An emerald green investigation into why a St. Paddy's Day race changed its distance

A rare downtown St. Louis photo not featuring the Arch

Since the pandemic I’ve grown obsessed with running, training throughout the year, spending absurd amounts on gels and supershoes, and mastering jargon like “fartlek,” “negative splits,” and “repetition pace.” (The latter is particularly nonsensical, meaning, essentially, “really fast.”)

I’ve mainly focused on longer distances, and have run marathons including Chicago, Boston, and L.A. (I feel bad for this guy.) But I enjoy many lengths, and one of my favorite events is coming up this weekend, the St. Patrick’s Day Parade Run in downtown St. Louis.

This race is 48 years old, and it’s a big green party. Held in conjunction with our St. Patrick’s Day parade, it kicks off near Busch stadium, and features Irish politicians on the P.A. offering encouragement in their thick brogue. The 5,000 attendees rock shamrock and leprechaun attire. I get amped when they play the Dropkick Murphys’ “I’m Shipping Up To Boston” as the gun fires.

Another part of the appeal is the race’s distance, 5 miles. That’s fairly unique. There aren’t many 5 mile races around, but it’s an enjoyable distance, short enough so you can still go fast, but long enough so it’s not an all-out sprint.

Or at least, the St. Patrick’s Day race was 5 miles previously. All of a sudden this year organizers switched it to a 5K. They didn’t announce this change, and in fact their website practically buries the information.

This has caused outrage! (Sort of.) Usually my running group, pictured above last year, sends dozens of participants. But this year when I asked who was going, I received only a single reply. Some of us discussed a boycott, and we were only half kidding.

What’s the big deal? Well, 5Ks suck! It’s a terrible distance, requiring an intensity similar to a one mile race, but three times as long. It’s basically 15-30+ minutes of pure suffering, depending on your speed.

Another part of the problem is the race distance’s ubiquity. Despite the fact that Americans can’t stand the metric system, the 5K has somehow taken over as our de facto fun run, a social event for plodders to burn off a few calories and then quickly gain them back with post-run doughnuts and beer.

But serious runners race the 5K too; they just call it the 5000. And because there are so many of these events, most racers have done many of them over the years, making it very difficult to set a personal record. And since trying to PR is a big part of racing’s appeal, this distance quickly loses its luster.

I’m not the fastest guy around, but I loved the old St. Patrick’s Day Parade Run because it was the only 5 mile race I ran during the year. Therefore, I could often PR. Now, it’s just another boring-ass 5K — one that costs $50 if you don’t sign up early.

It’s not like we’re hurting for 5Ks around here. By my count there are no less then ten 5K runs in the St. Louis area this weekend. Absolutely absurd.

And so, because I have nothing better to do with my time, I decided to use my investigative reporting skills to get to the bottom of this change. Here’s the race’s registration director Billy Tomber’s response to my query:

For the first time in 2026, our downtown event is a 5K Run…The updated course takes advantage of the safety barricades and personnel already on site for the Parade. This ensures a safer route for our runners and volunteers alike….You are welcome to run farther after you finish the 5K as desired….Agreed the 5-mile was unique and fun, but that extra 38% was more than half of the costs as the old western end was completely without bike-racking and relied entirely on increasingly thinning manpower. If we can keep 62.5% of the distance and still have the downtown, Arch-view, Market Street portion – I’ll take it.

Thanks for giving me permission to continue running after the race is completed, bro!

But is this the full story? An off-the-record source tells me that declining attendance in recent years is one of the reasons for the decision. I suspect they’re trying to appeal more to the fair-weather racing crowd.

Bah! My running group can hope that their non-participation will move the needle, but I suspect it won’t. Most likely the distance change will inspire more participants than ever, and for the next 48 years the race will stay at 5000 deplorable meters.

The truth is, I am not much helping matters. That’s because, after much internal debate, I decided to sign up after all.

So sue me! I couldn’t help myself, it’s a really fun event. Sure, I’ll be absolutely miserable, running the hilly course at an uncomfortable pace, but hey, I cannot resist a raucous St. Paddy’s Day party with a Dropkick Murphys soundtrack.

So if you see me at the finish line, near collapse, barely able to breathe, just know that I brought this upon myself, that this is my idea of a good time and that, more than likely, I do not need an ambulance.