My Diary Entries About Jorell

Encouraged by my mom, I’ve regularly kept a diary since my twenties, and my entries about Jorell Cleveland greatly informed my new book Little Brother: Love, Tragedy and My Search For the Truth. The book is about our relationship and my investigation into his murder, and without my old diaries I’d have largely forgotten those early outings after being paired by the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, including a trip to Chicago and the time he came to stay with my then-girlfriend Anna and me in Hoboken.

Many exciting things have happened since Little Brother came out two weeks ago; it made a best-seller list, got a wonderful review from one of my favorite writers — Jeannette Cooperman in the LA Review of Books — and was excerpted by the RFT and the Daily Beast (paywall alert). But the wonderful reader reviews and flood of correspondence from people touched by Jorell’s story has made me happiest. Telling your friends about the book and leaving reviews on GoodReads and Amazon really means the world to me. If you still don’t have it, Rainy Day Books’ promotion lasts a couple more days.

As a supplement to Little Brother, I thought you’d enjoy these diary entries I wrote about Jorell in the mid-2000s. Note how I initially spelled Jorell’s name wrong!

July 3, 2005

I took out my “little brother” Jourell for the first time. He lives on Gibson in Forest Park Southeast just a few blocks away and his brother Jovan wanted to come but I said no. We went to Rossino’s for dinner, underground, cavernous, and the staff loved him – 50 pounds, about 3 feet tall, with an afro! He politely answered my questions with one word responses and his upward inflection on the last syllable, but the real cuteness wasn’t till I brought him to my apartment, where he followed around [my cat] Nora (she likes him – and he’s not all that much bigger than her), and we watched Jurassic Park and he said, “This isn’t real because humans didn’t live at the same time as dinosaurs” and then I dubiously tried to explain what DNA is. He asked when I’d pick him up again and suggested “Monday?” which was the same day.

July 21, 2005

Jourell and I went to the Cards game vs. the Brewers, a 1:10 start. His first time in the stadium, he didn’t mind the heat, but we left in the 5th inning. Earlier, I went inside his Gibson Ave house to use the bathroom. He sleeps on a bare mattress, the bedroom door is a frayed blue tarp, and his windows have been broken but never replaced.

October 9, 2005

I met up with some college friends at Forest Park Southeast’s La Dolce Via restaurant, and I brought Jorell. My friends Darren and Jenny showed with their baby Benjamin…Walking back to Jorell’s house, he was on my shoulders, wearing the cap knit by Alison, the sun was out and we were picking up those big green walnuts, and we were full of coffee and talk of Scorcese’s Bob Dylan documentary and it was fantastic.

December 1, 2005

My trip to Big K-Mart with Jorell didn’t go so well the other night. He wanted a bad-ass remote-control car with rims for $19.99. I think he thought we’d come shopping so I could buy him an early Christmas present – this after his dad said they wouldn’t be getting any presents this year! So, I debated, but ending up only buying myself a new standing lamp…I felt kinda hypocritical but even more so when he started crying in the car! I’m planning to get him swimming lessons for Christmas, but dear God, will that suffice at this point? He called tonight to apologize; I hope no one browbeat him into it.

December 7, 2005

I have to save money, and that’s the same reason I didn’t take Jorell to see Chicken Little tonight.

December 17, 2005

Today, albeit with flippers – he learned to swim!

April 25, 2006

I went to Chicago with [my then-girlfriend] Courtney and Jorell this weekend. It feels really cool when a little kid feels your stubble and hair with his whole hand. We met Grandpa Cordell Cleveland, who looks almost younger than Jorell’s dad and shouted everything he said. He took us to a local black diner on the south side…He told me that when you take time out for somebody it’s good karma.

May 18, 2006

Jorell is passed out on my couch right now, neither of us watching The Grudge.

October 10, 2006

Very fun visiting the Jorell Clevelands at his family’s new seven bedroom (!) house in Ferguson…. the neighborhood is much improved over good ol’ Forest Park Southeast. And all four kids sleep in one, blow up bed, and older sis Iesha was about to burn the house down with her curling iron when I walked in, but it was fun playing Monopoly and drinking milkshakes at the surprisingly gentrified coffee shop a few blocks away with Jorell.

December 4, 2006

I just made $400 writing a concert review for Camel Cigarettes, which inspired me to treat Jorell to ice cream at St. Louis Mills Mall. We tried to ride the go-carts, but he wasn’t tall enough. This made him sad, because riding go-carts “is the only time I feel free.”

Feb 3, 2007

Last night I toweled off during the third hour of the Big Brothers Big Sisters lock-in. Jorell was still tooling around in that glorious pool, with a hot tub attached and the most terrifying water slide I’ve been on. It was our last night together before I leave for New York, and we both stayed up all the way till the end at 5:45 am. There was trivia, relays, and basketball…The low point was during a “Fear Factor” style contest, Jorell ate a plate of liver-tinged braunschweiger…and promptly vomited back onto the plate. Running off to the bathroom, he seemed to get over it quickly. Later, he packed all the extra orange soda, and Little Debbie cakes leftover into his sack for home, said it was his “hope.” I told him I loved him after, dropping him back home in Ferguson.

March 9, 2008

Jorell Cleveland, my “little brother” from the St. Louis Big Brother, Big Sister program was here last weekend. A calm, contented feeling washed over me. Maybe it’s because the almost-11 year old is so energetic, or perhaps it’s being constantly needed and appreciated. As I’ve told many, he’s a perfect kid, always enthusiastic. He was supposed to come the previous weekend but weather canceled the flight, so his trip was extended to three nights, and he slept on our hideaway single bed. His first plane flight ever was not crowded, it landed way early and he was behind the attendant’s podium when I got to the gate. He enjoyed the ride, watching the cars on the ground turn to ants, drinking Sprite. I remembered my own trip to California when I was five, and when I told him about it he asked if I was “running away from home.” We came home via Airtrain, NJ Transit, and the Path, hit Gramaldi’s Pizza and then met up with Jed Rosenberg in Times Square for Be Kind Rewind, a film Jorell enjoyed. When we came out it was snowing and he loved the lights. His favorite moment of the weekend was Chelsea Piers the next day, rock climbing and batting cages. Anna was often concerned to hear about his home life, could tell no one quizzed him about math or how to tell time. He lionizes his dad, and said he’d rather be a roofer than type on a computer all day like I do. His left front tooth is chipped from butting by his brother’s BB gun. But I found him quite bright; he wanted to learn about stocks after we went by Wall Street, and asked lots of pointed questions (why didn’t we get married, why didn’t we get a dog?) …We went to the top of the Empire State, visited Ground Zero, rode the Staten Island Ferry. He wanted to go to all the knick knack stores, and I had to persuade him not to buy an oversized hundred dollar bill. We also visited Chelsea art galleries, and on Monday, just the two of us, the Natural History Museum (a quirky, ramshackle blend of the real and the fantastical) and Central Park for hot dogs. He led us to a playground, where he rode the tire swings…I snapped at him, though, when he couldn’t make up his mind what to buy at a gift shop, then settled on overpriced gum that his sister Peaches apparently wanted. He started crying, and we could only get out of it by playing 20 questions. He asked man or woman, I said man, and he guessed, correctly, “Fat Joe,” almost immediately. Anna noticed that he seemed to remember everything we have done together, like that game at old Busch stadium in stiflingly hot weather. I love him too; I told him that, something I’m too embarrassed to say to my own dad, practically.

Ben’s note: I have more of these, going through Jorell’s teen years and past his death, so if you want to read more let me know.